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Posts Tagged ‘romance’

Dear Diary,

Human kind is destined to make mistakes, to walk on a wrong path and to lose their route in the middle and go back to the start still on the wrong path bumping into wrong people on the way again and again! (Right?)

According to my parents, my friends and each and every person with a healthy mind, i should not marry “that guy”…as a matter of cliche we were said to be “from different worlds” (ya right, i was an alien!). Despite everyone, every obstacle, every god-damn obstacle I insisted on keeping an ever-lasting love saga for “that guy”…i stopped talking to anyone just giving slightly negative comment on him, i just yelled at anyone just showing a disapproval of him…i simply defended him while losing the others one by one…

He seemed to be smitten by me as well till I realized he was talking to other girls too. I left him. He apologized and i forgave. Then we were again long lost in making future plans to be together (marriage in my handicapped mind dictionary) till i came to know that he was not serious. Then i left him. He apologized and i forgave. I was still consistent with my love story (according to him, it was a kind of  game for us to  fill our free time)…but i added a friendly preface into the relation. I was just standing beside him whenever he needed me till I realized bitterly he was never with me. I left him. He apologized and i forgave. Love was still prevailing on my side but now we were not seeing each other even as a friend.  At the background i kept track of his every movement as long as i was able to do so…i was still hopeful (hopeful at least to have him back as a friend, true friend!) but he never looked back to me (even for a second). One day i was the closest person to him and the next day he even did not remember my name!

What happened next…Well, i cried for my years wasted upon “that guy” for nothing, and i tried hard, struggled to gain the lost but precious people back step by step and i decided not to walk on the wrong path again….as another cliche “Even foolishness has a limit!”

Now i have no idea what he does, i have no idea he remembers me or not, i have no idea what i did to him to deserve all these…But good news…i achieved to choose a new path just lying in front of me now…turning my love bitterly into hatred!

Dear Diary, i never knew what he had in his mind all throughout the time…

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Dring dring….

Who the hell is it  in the middle of the night calling him again and again?! Good news, it is of course ME! Best part of  this game is to hear ringing of international call just before he picks up the call…dringg drinnggg (once)

I can imagine him trying to reach his cell moving reluctantly in his warm bed half awake, half dreamy with his messed hair and in his dark coloured pyjamas longing to go back to sleep…dringg dringgg (second time)…I am sure he must be abusing at the same time as he is quite bored of these calls with no use to anyone…dringg dringgg (third time)…He must be in a deep sleep tonight or planning not to pick up! ehh! Drinngg drinngg (fourth time). Then comes the sound of “Answer the Call” button….”Click”…And that scary voice loaded with anger…fast and furious…”Hello!”…”Hel—lloooo!!” Then comes my giggling only to myself being happy once again after achieving to irritate him. I always knew or he made me realize that lately he gets irriated each time we get in touch in a way or another (or by force!) hence i developed a habit of irritating him quite often with my calls without saying a word…(No, i’m not lying or am i? No, it is not just to hear his voice! Am i that stupid? No, I cannot be! How can one do that to herself? What happened to the concepts of honor, pride or self-respect? Since when they have taken shelter under self-humiliation?)

Oh my god! I guess he heard my giggling…Now comes the sound of “End the Call” button…”Click”…Eh! That is enough for tonight, after all he needs some sleep to be able to work tomorrow…

Me? No, I never sleep since I met him…

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Partially…

Echoing just a few words in my ear…as if specially selected from a past dialogue…“stupid”“love you too”…then darkness again…and once more “will never let you go”…And i don’t remember the rest…Some foggy faces, some unknown names, some strong feelings which i have difficulty in describing…It has no difference than losing yourself in an unfamiliar forest, you still don’t know which path to follow…just like me…I still don’t know whom to trust…

Doctor calls it “partial memory loss” and he claims my mind does it on purpose to run away from some bitter truths…however i call it “living behind a curtain” and i don’t know which truths my mind knows…

I am able to remember my far past, and i can remember the recent one as well…but i am helpless when it comes to the last 4 years…All i have is uncompleted sentences, some free words flying around me, some blurred faces as if reflected on a broken mirror…

I am scared…a lot…not because i am in such a situation but because of forgetting the people whom i should carry with me forever…My mind is too tired to struggle with that, best thing is to close my eyes i believe even if i cannot sleep…but the “ghost words” haunt me even then…This time in an unknown language…not familiar to me…I am even not sure whether i speak any other language than English…”pyaar“…”repeat it mujhe tumse”…silence…“repeat it, come on stupid”…The same velvet voice…again echoing in my ears…

I don’t know when i will be complete the puzzle, when i will put the right pieces in their places…May be i better let it go uncompleted…May be i should consider this “illness” as a gift by God…Just partially…

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Where Are You?

Midnight!

Stars around…

I am waiting for the moon (you) to appear…

Morning!

I am surrounded by clouds…

I am waiting for the sun (you) to shine on me…

Winter!

Everywhere is full of chilling snow…

I am waiting for your warm hands to find me….

Summer!

Flowers are everywhere….

I am waiting for your love to blossom in my heart….

And where are you?

 

 

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COINCIDENCE

It was the time when the high-heeled shoes started to hurt her feet, yet she did not feel like giving up shopping. Randomly, she entered another store to buy a pair of shoes—of course red—After changing her shoes and feeling such a relief on her feet, she decided to go to the bookstore to get the books she ordered last week.

While she was careful with her accelerated steps, she was checking the book list at the same time. Her extreme care with her walk did not prevent her from dashing against someone. Now her shopping bags were everywhere. She frowned and kneeled down to gather her stuff without paying attention to the person, who was now also kneeled down across to her. There was no sorry, no excuse, no help offer from his side. He just stood still even without blinking.

She stood up saying sorry herself but he was still on his knees. She heard him saying “Forgive me!” She said “No problem as long as we are not hurt, right?” She was still busy with her shopping stuff. He repeated “You should forgive me.” Then she came to recognize his voice and looked at him. The very same person who had made her fall in love with himself, letting her be deceived by him, then moving ahead into another life leaving her behind without making even a brief explanation.

He repeated for the third time, “Please forgive me, and let me explain, please.” There was the familiar anger in her eyes. Without pausing between the words, she said, “You are my past, yet you ruined my present, now let me catch up with my future.” Then she turned her back and kept walking, letting the man remain on his knees.

He did not know whether she ever forgave him or not, nor did she!

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GIVE A VOICE…

I am in love with a voice

Unknown…

And Unique…

Takes the shape of every whisper I hear

Felt in every breath I feel

Always tells me about love

How desirous it has been

Each time it embraces me

How much lust it has shown

All the way it touches me

A voice curing all my wounds

Removing all the pain i have

Cheering up my soul

and so echoing in my mind

A voice…

How much I run after

How rare I come across

Never been mine

Always with me but never been mine

Still I am in love…

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SNOWFLAKE…

First snowflake of the year. She focused her looks on the calendar to confirm the date once more – – 3rd of February – – her birthday.

She woke up earlier today although it was weekend. She opened the curtains to a white world and started to watch the snow even without blinking her eyes. Each time a snowflake reached the ground and melted in the soil, she remembered him. Each time a snowflake was gone with the wind in the air carelessly here and there, she remembered him. And each time a snowflake fell onto the window smiling at her with a soft and calm move, she remembered him.

 

It was her birthday so the time was not proper to think about him, to remember him or frankly speaking to miss him. That would put her into an expectation, expecting a call for her birthday as his velvet-like voice, his warm smile contrasting to the cold whether would be the best gift she could ever have in her entire life, yet he had forgotten her last birthday.

 

She looked at the watch, it was 8 am. She tried to calculate the time in Ontario. It must have passed the midnight. He must have been sleeping already. For a short while, she got lost in her mind surrounded by the thoughts all about him. She thought they never watched the same moon at the same time, they never blinked at the sun at the same time, they never got wet under the same rain, and they never breathed the same air or never felt the cold face of the same snow…

 

That was nothing more than nonsense. She always thought she ended this issue in her mind months ago but her heart was against her as usual. Trying to divert her attention from him to something else she took a few steps towards the kitchen. All of a sudden she realized something on the carpet. A hairclip with blue-pink butterfly on it, the pair of which was sent to him a year ago in an envelope full of love and hope. Now she did not have enough courage to take it from the ground or to handle the situation itself. Right now this tiny hairclip let her dig her past deeper and deeper. She remembered how they used to imagine a day to spend together. A day in Ontario, on a lonely street buried into silence with the snow covering the whole city.

They would be walking hand in hand slowly, silently feeling each other more on each step. They would let the snow hide their footprints they left on the snowy road.

He would be smoking at the same time. She never had any special reason but she always had the impression that he looked more charming while smoking. After a long walk they would be sitting on a cold bench not even minding its being wet by snow. They would be looking each other’s eyes searching for the traces of love more and more until feeling satisfied. Her nose would be reddish due to chilling wind and he would warm it by rubbing his nose onto hers. That would let her feel his breath on her face…

 

These daydreams were going on for hours each time they called each other and just before they end the call, they used to repeat their promise given by heart: “No matter what happens, no matter where we are, no matter how old we are, no matter with whomever we are, we will meet at least once before we die!”.

She heard his voice echoing in her ear as if it was just whispered. She realized the bitter truth of the world once again. Different nations, different cultures, different religions, and parents isolating their children from this “difference”.

 

The voice in her ear carried on: “I know we have no end but I promise you I will be yours and only yours forever. Can you promise me as well?”

She whispered to herself “I promise”.

As soon as she finished her sentence the phone rang. Before daring to hear who it was, she checked the time again. It was 8:45 am. She picked it up. That familiar soft voice:

“Happy Birthday Ducky!”

 

Although she was longing for this call, hence waiting for it, she was shocked and had no words to speak. For a while they stayed silent. Then the guy carried on:

“Don’t you want to know about your birthday gift?”

“Even this meant a lot. Thank you for your nice behavior.”

“No, no…ask about your gift!”

“Ok then, what is my birthday gift?”

“A flight ticket!”

“Ticket? For me?”

“No, actually for myself.”

“For yourself? Ok, but to where?”

“To you!”

 

Just then another snowflake fell on the window slipping downwards smiling at her…

 

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