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Archive for January, 2009

I swallowed the pill without focusing on its side effects…and i cannot deny i fall asleep thinking about him (visualizing can be a better word may be) trying to re-remember his every gesture although it was not an easy task for me any more as his face was more like a slight puzzle difficult to collect and to combine the pieces.

As soon as my eyelids lost the game, i started to dream about him. After my memories, now he was in my dreams. I did not want this to happen. The more i kept away from him the better it was for me, but after all how could i manage my dreams, i even could not manage a simple and small heart.

He was there just in front of my eyes, talking (indeed murmuring) slowly and softly (as he used to do) trying to show me that he was busy (as usual). He was working, so was I, but my attention was often ready to be distracted by him altough he never wanted to do so…even his look at me for a second was enough to take me to somewhere else (somewhere cold and snowy). He said “i am hungry” and i laughed as I used to make fun of him calling him “fatty” (although he always looked so cool with his figure). Then he ordered pizza (so romantic isn’t it?) and refused to share with me (how sad! we used to share a lot EARLIER). He offered me coke with a happy smile (as it was our favourite drink) but i refused saying Doctor does not allow me to drink coke, then he frowned and continued his eating with an ever-lasting appetite and i watched him with eyes full of ever-lasting love…

He was done with his eating and smiled at me again as if he was realizing me in the room for the first time. He came closer to me still smiling. Now my face was so close to his and our breaths just wrapped each other. I know he would leave in a few minutes. Suddenly I put my arms around his neck as if he is the closest person to me (but infact he was just a stranger) I hugged him as tight as i can even to prevent our breathing till we merged into one body, one soul…I buried myself on his chest and let his hearbeats fill my ears…let his charming smell make me dizzy…and meanwhile his hands were hesitant, indecisive about what to do.

Then he hugged me softly which was like a magic. I never felt so safe and relieved in my life before. Finally i had found peace and wished the same for him.

I opened my eyes slowly. Magic was over…my heart was in pain again…It was awesome to have him back but it was just a dream which was quite killing…hence i decided “no more sleeping pills!”

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slumdog_millionaireOne of the most influential movies i have seen recently leaving your mind in shock and your eyes wide open even after the screen says “the end”. Frankly speaking, i didn’t hear the name of the leading actor of this movie before–Dev Patel–and i should emphasize that despite his young age he does a really cool job there…

The movie proceeds with flashbacks…a young boy with slam area backround joins in a “who wants to be a millionaire” competition just to reach the girl he is in love with rather than the money itself…as the competition goes on he seems to know the answer of each and every question no matter how simple, difficult or intellectual  the questions are! Just before the last questions he is taken under arrest in order to be interrogated whether to find out he cheats or not…Then comes the heart-breaking part of the movie…He starts to exlain how he knows each question right and each explation corresponds to another bitter memory from his suffering life…

The audience is now face to face with his/her conscience….A childhood spent in a shanty town, withnessing her parents’ death, stuck between some religious fights, getting stabbed in the back by his own brother, a painful love story, cruel face of the real world and many other points to be touched…

It is not a chick-flick movie to have some nice time and distract your mind from the daily stressful flow of life; on the contrary it conveys messages to the audience and make him/her think about certain things once again…

We are not able to choose a life to live but our destiny has the power to choose for us!

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Please do not miss in the video slight but heart-taking smiles by Dev Anand and extreme speed of the dancing girl…i don’t know why i am always stuck with details:D

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Dear Diary,

Human kind is destined to make mistakes, to walk on a wrong path and to lose their route in the middle and go back to the start still on the wrong path bumping into wrong people on the way again and again! (Right?)

According to my parents, my friends and each and every person with a healthy mind, i should not marry “that guy”…as a matter of cliche we were said to be “from different worlds” (ya right, i was an alien!). Despite everyone, every obstacle, every god-damn obstacle I insisted on keeping an ever-lasting love saga for “that guy”…i stopped talking to anyone just giving slightly negative comment on him, i just yelled at anyone just showing a disapproval of him…i simply defended him while losing the others one by one…

He seemed to be smitten by me as well till I realized he was talking to other girls too. I left him. He apologized and i forgave. Then we were again long lost in making future plans to be together (marriage in my handicapped mind dictionary) till i came to know that he was not serious. Then i left him. He apologized and i forgave. I was still consistent with my love story (according to him, it was a kind of  game for us to  fill our free time)…but i added a friendly preface into the relation. I was just standing beside him whenever he needed me till I realized bitterly he was never with me. I left him. He apologized and i forgave. Love was still prevailing on my side but now we were not seeing each other even as a friend.  At the background i kept track of his every movement as long as i was able to do so…i was still hopeful (hopeful at least to have him back as a friend, true friend!) but he never looked back to me (even for a second). One day i was the closest person to him and the next day he even did not remember my name!

What happened next…Well, i cried for my years wasted upon “that guy” for nothing, and i tried hard, struggled to gain the lost but precious people back step by step and i decided not to walk on the wrong path again….as another cliche “Even foolishness has a limit!”

Now i have no idea what he does, i have no idea he remembers me or not, i have no idea what i did to him to deserve all these…But good news…i achieved to choose a new path just lying in front of me now…turning my love bitterly into hatred!

Dear Diary, i never knew what he had in his mind all throughout the time…

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twilight-movie-posterAfter drinking the Twilight book like a glass of  wine feeling its taste taking a seat on my tongue slowly, i was so impatient to see its movie as well….While reading i had already created the heros and heroines or the villains in my mind already but it would be another experience to see how were they in someone else’s mind….And the result was not bad at all…Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson ) was as sparkling as i had imagined and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) was as dull as i had assigned to her…(Well no harm in discrediting Bella, right? ok ok she was as good as Edward…i will think like a professional now putting my feelings aside:P)

The plot was so stick to the book…the sequence of the events were almost in order of the book again…the dialogues were more or less still meeting each other both in book and the movie…Best thing while watching a movie is that your mind does not have to do anything like imagining…everything is submitted just in front of your eyes all hard and concrete…but unfortunately you cannot find the minor details in the movie, which are quite important in some cases…I like details in life and i like imagining things/daydreaming hence i prefer the book itself, however the movie worths watching for sure…

I do not want to  summarize the movie as i have given you the topic and basic lines in the my book review already. All i can add is that when the dialogues spoken by such a good-looking vampire, it is hard to be scared of the concept of vampires:D

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Dring dring….

Who the hell is it  in the middle of the night calling him again and again?! Good news, it is of course ME! Best part of  this game is to hear ringing of international call just before he picks up the call…dringg drinnggg (once)

I can imagine him trying to reach his cell moving reluctantly in his warm bed half awake, half dreamy with his messed hair and in his dark coloured pyjamas longing to go back to sleep…dringg dringgg (second time)…I am sure he must be abusing at the same time as he is quite bored of these calls with no use to anyone…dringg dringgg (third time)…He must be in a deep sleep tonight or planning not to pick up! ehh! Drinngg drinngg (fourth time). Then comes the sound of “Answer the Call” button….”Click”…And that scary voice loaded with anger…fast and furious…”Hello!”…”Hel—lloooo!!” Then comes my giggling only to myself being happy once again after achieving to irritate him. I always knew or he made me realize that lately he gets irriated each time we get in touch in a way or another (or by force!) hence i developed a habit of irritating him quite often with my calls without saying a word…(No, i’m not lying or am i? No, it is not just to hear his voice! Am i that stupid? No, I cannot be! How can one do that to herself? What happened to the concepts of honor, pride or self-respect? Since when they have taken shelter under self-humiliation?)

Oh my god! I guess he heard my giggling…Now comes the sound of “End the Call” button…”Click”…Eh! That is enough for tonight, after all he needs some sleep to be able to work tomorrow…

Me? No, I never sleep since I met him…

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Partially…

Echoing just a few words in my ear…as if specially selected from a past dialogue…“stupid”“love you too”…then darkness again…and once more “will never let you go”…And i don’t remember the rest…Some foggy faces, some unknown names, some strong feelings which i have difficulty in describing…It has no difference than losing yourself in an unfamiliar forest, you still don’t know which path to follow…just like me…I still don’t know whom to trust…

Doctor calls it “partial memory loss” and he claims my mind does it on purpose to run away from some bitter truths…however i call it “living behind a curtain” and i don’t know which truths my mind knows…

I am able to remember my far past, and i can remember the recent one as well…but i am helpless when it comes to the last 4 years…All i have is uncompleted sentences, some free words flying around me, some blurred faces as if reflected on a broken mirror…

I am scared…a lot…not because i am in such a situation but because of forgetting the people whom i should carry with me forever…My mind is too tired to struggle with that, best thing is to close my eyes i believe even if i cannot sleep…but the “ghost words” haunt me even then…This time in an unknown language…not familiar to me…I am even not sure whether i speak any other language than English…”pyaar“…”repeat it mujhe tumse”…silence…“repeat it, come on stupid”…The same velvet voice…again echoing in my ears…

I don’t know when i will be complete the puzzle, when i will put the right pieces in their places…May be i better let it go uncompleted…May be i should consider this “illness” as a gift by God…Just partially…

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